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Haunted House Rules to Remaining Gutted

Haunted House


As in…having guts.

So, you’ve accepted a bet to stay the night in a haunted house…there’s a few things you should remember:


1. Never go up the stairs when chased by a psychotic killer. This is pretty standard, but also commonly forgotten.

2. If the doors begin glowing, breathing, shaking, or there is an incessant pounding on them, don’t open them. Chances are, it’s not the girl scouts with some cookies–mostly because how would they even know to find you there?

3. When you find any message written in blood, forfeit the twenty bucks and get out of there. You’ve got nothing to prove that’s worth your life. Accept the label of “gutless” but get out with your guts intact.

4. Do not have carnal relations with anyone while in the house. I can’t believe I even have to say this. What’s wrong with you? Didn’t your mother teach you to treat a person better than cobwebs and splinters in sensitive spots? Also, you’ll be the first killed. Them’s the breaks.

5. This is not a good time to get inebriated. If you’re in a known spook house, do your time and get out. If you’re in a group, you may want to pick a designated “IT’S ALL GOING TO HELL! GET US OUT OF HERE!” person. I like to have two…just in case the first gets eaten.

6. Don’t investigate noises. Was that a creak upstairs in the abandoned house? Who cares? No good can come of this. Best case scenario…best case…it’s a load of rats. Keep the mystery alive. Pretend it’s kittens. Stay near the door. Don’t investigate. There are no awards for checking out the real estate.

7. If someone in your group seems to have a very sympathetic backstory, stick next to them. You may even want to present yourself as a love interest. That person always survives. Well, usually anyway.

8. Don’t be the funny guy. If you have a sense of humor, mask it as best you can–the funny one always dies. True story. This is why I try to be somber at all times.

9. If the power goes out, get out. If the doors mysteriously lock, break a window. The windows won’t open either? This would be tricky except for the fact that you’re in a rundown house. Find something heavy you can swing and take out a wall.

10. If someone you know shows up, uninvited, go ahead and kill them as a preventative. They’ve come to kill you…probably.

11. Don’t go in unprepared. You will need, bare minimum, three sets of clothes. The first you will get filthy while inexplicably exploring the house–as I’ve advised you against. The second set of clothes will be covered in one member of your party’s blood, and there are just too many blood-born pathogens for you to risk it. Finally, your last pair of clothes should be something that can be torn to reveal your best assets. If you’re male, you can bring a shirt, but you’ll lose it at some point, but…your choice. Oh, also, pack food, a flashlight, blankets, silver bullets–and a gun of some kind (they’d be sort of funny without a gun, though), a sharpened stake, holy water, religious artifacts, and some good running-for-your-life shoes. (Something with good arch support–you’ll thank me later.)

12. If there is a TV in this scary old place, don’t turn it on. This isn’t the time to catch-up on Castle. No one can climb out of it or attempt to communicate through it if you just leave it alone. You’ll never see My Little Ponies on there…and it can only end badly.

13. If you’ve just bet the girl you’ve always loved that she can’t stay the night in a haunted house…make sure she knows you’re staying with her…. (i.e. All Bets Are Off )



All Bets Are Off is story #3 in How to Bring Your Love Life Back from the Dead.


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9 Responses so far.

  1. Melody May says:

    First off, I would never ever take a bet. I don’t like scary movies why would I ever set myself up to be victim in my own story. I rather fork over $20 and live from the start.

  2. riamachia says:

    Hmmm….. You say silver bullets and a gun of some kind. “Of some kind”??? 😛
    If you’re going this far, you should at least specify that the bullets fit the gun. Otherwise someone will be trying to MacGuyver a slingshot, and who knows WHAT you’ll have to use for that in a haunted house.

    • Maybe you COULD use a slingshot. I’m not sure how hard and fast penetration is as a rule for silver bullets–maybe you just need a good bang. *stares at that sentence* I’m going to get creeper hits on my blog for that. Le sigh.

  3. Don’t investigate noises?! BUT WHAT WAS THAT SOUND? Yeah, curiousity would get the best of me, and then I’d make a joke, and it’d all be over.

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